U.G. Krishnamurti



New Jersey

There is no aggression, that’s the difference now. There is no Fascist nature (in me). I am just protecting myself, which is a big shift. The intentionality has completely changed. The aggression is gone but there is a powerful force which is protecting itself from the invasion of ideas and thoughts. I don’t feel like influencing anybody.  I have no impetus to spread my ideology. No such grandiose ideas are there. I communicate from what I call “information space”. I have a very specific proprioception of thought itself. Thoughts are there with a very specific tag, with their reflexes. And I – ‘I’ means my intention- is to not allow these reflexes to change or be hijacked by other ideas. If you ask me what it is that is holding them together, I have no answer. It is information by itself, for itself. There is no impetus to propagate anything; it is only there to protect the organism and its superiority. That is also a kind of a model. I have no power to perceive what is happening inside me. This is the best I can do to describe how I am functioning. 

You can say anything but as far as I’m concerned, mental causation is still mysterious.  The system is holding on to the unknown.  It protects itself from the invasion of ideas so that information cannot again form a structure and run the show. Since there is no structure, there is no so-called “center”. The organism doesn’t allow this to happen. I have experienced this many times. So when I am getting involved in a very specific idea that I feel is superior, when I feel this is the way it should go, when I try to understand and put attributes to it, my brain rejects it. It gives me a big headache, a big pain, a big volcanic eruption inside me until that is completely smashed from inside. It’s not peace, it’s WAR! War against what? The physical organism itself is trying to sort it out, it will heat up, balance the neurotransmitter, cut, cut, cut the circuitry and I will have a peculiar pain and feeling, you know, and many times I’m ‘gone’ at night. Suddenly, the whole thing starts paining from the center of my navel and starts spreading in my body and I am choked as if something is imploding and squeezing me. Finished! It never allows the information structure to have a very specific idea to propagate. That’s the big shift. So what happens? I often feel helpless if somebody asks what’s my idea? I don’t know. What do I say? What’s the point you’re trying to make, they ask?  None.  People lose interest as there is no benefit. For the first time I came to know there’s another way of living by the organism itself.

  –          Guha

Kishor and Guha

The above passage was recorded a few days ago. Now I am at 42 bidding farewell to Kishor who is leaving for Mumbai today. Some of us will accompany him to the airport later this afternoon. Carol, Manoj, Julie and Kishor and I are sitting with Guha and Carol is peeved at Manoj’s argumentative ways. She asks me (in an aside) how he got to be that way.

Guha: What are you saying, Carol? I want to hear it.

Carol: How did he (pointing to Manoj) get to this state of mind?

G: By listening to U.G. time and time again. He’s following U.G’s teachings better than most.

C: That’s an example of U.G’s teachings? This (he) is the end result of listening to U.G?

G: No, not the end result.

C: The middle result, the beginning result?

G: He’s one of the most genuine guys.

C: That’s why he’s so irritating? Oh, you’re saying he’s genuine but that’s not the truth. He’s a very irritating type. He’s like the Christians – they have no good arguments but they will keep saying, ‘Have you read the Bible?’ to shut you up. They will quote from the Bible when they can’t prove anything. He’s (Manoj) so argumentative, he doesn’t listen at all. You’re saying you like him?

G: I didn’t say I like him. I said he is standing on his two little feet better than most people.

Manoj: She (Carol) wanted to burn me to “bhasma” (ashes)!

C:  You only got the best of it because he (Guha) is on your side which doesn’t make any sense to me.

At the end of this testy exchange, Carol was even more upset than at the beginning.

Carol lives in South Carolina and is here for a few days to spend time with Guha. She is a vivacious, bubbly, theatrical, one-of-a-kind septuagenarian whom I can’t help but love. Although she had a conservative upbringing being raised by Catholic nuns, her free spirit coupled with an inclination towards spiritual matters perhaps led her to look for a deeper meaning of life in unconventional ways. While in her late twenties, she came across the teachings of Kirpal Singh, founder of Ruhani Satsang, and followed the Path of the Masters as laid down by him. She even traveled to India several times to his ashram in north India. She felt a deep connection with the Master and even after all these years she has tears in her eyes whenever she talks about him. Kirpal Singh passed away in 1974 and his son Master Darshan Singh took over as his successor. He died in 1989 and then his son Rajinder Singh took over. At that time, for Carol “outer connection wavered” and she soon left the Path.

Carol and Guha in Myrtle Beach, S. Carolina

Subsequent to leaving the Path, Carol started researching online on present day gurus and came across writings on U.G. Krishnamurti. She also watched U.G. videos on YouTube which she said were very impressive. Thereafter, further research led Carol to Guha’s website and she was intrigued as “he looked different from the rest”. Keen to meet Guha, she decided to write to webmaster Golda. After many communiqués with Julie, some misgivings and dire warnings from her family that she could land herself in a doomsday cult with no way out, Carol found herself at Guha’s doorstep. From then onward – from that first meeting in 42 where she says she had an awkward meal with Guha, Julie and Lakshmi to the present – Carol in her inimitable style narrates how her connection with Guha became deeper and deeper.

In her own words, “It is impossible to speak of the details in the awareness unfolding in a person in the Presence of Guha. It would or could take volumes or maybe, simply a single word. Over time when we met in 2013 to 2017, all loose ends to the story in this Life of mine have come together and lovingly been put to rest.  A daring and powerful explanation might be a quote from Sri Ramakrishna, who would say, “He is the Personal and Impersonal Manifestation of God Himself. … To my lowly self, He is my end to the RIDDLE of LIFE.”

Click here to read Carol’s first person account in “A Simple, Overwhelming Connection”.

Storm Clouds Gather


Nish and Guha in Ansonia, NYC

It is Saturday and we are at Julie’s – Guha, Radhika, Rina, Carol, Manoj, Shujaat, Julie and I. One Nish from Kendall Park, a neighboring town, is here to meet Guha for the first time. He is an IT professional and has been reading U.G. books since 1998. He never met U.G. face to face, said he was afraid to do so. While researching on U.G. he stumbled upon Guha’s Bengali website and immediately contacted webmaster Bubu. He also found Julie’s email on Travels with U.G. website and reached out to her as well. Now he’s here and all of us are eager to see how it’ll all go between them. Nish seems friendly and amiable but the minute he started talking you could make out he is very mental. He wants to discuss everything from “disease to divinity” with Guha.

Rina looks nice but she’s been having a bad headache and went upstairs to lie down. There was a significant “shake-up” in her system after she came to meet Guha in Chicago last January and the process has been continuing ever since. She admits, “It was the proverbial last straw that broke the camel’s back.” She says she has severe headaches and other pains, making it very hard for her to work full time.

I have heard of people undergoing identical symptoms or experiences to those they are intensely aligned with, such as gurus, mentors, close friends or lovers. For example, husband undergoing the same symptoms of pregnancy alongside his spouse or two female companions beginning their menstrual period on the same day despite having a different cycle. I even heard of a father who was having a severe stomach pain and his daughter exhibiting similar symptoms at the same exact time even though she was living seven seas apart from him. How mysterious that such close connections can be established between two human beings, many times from different walks of life? However, in Rina’s case, whatever she is undergoing, could that be due to the superconducting proximity effect which Guha talks about time and again? It is a term used in the field of superconductivity and according to this theory, when a superconductor comes in close contact with a non-superconductor some strange phenomena can be observed in the latter. Guha has told us umpteen times that he believes in U.G.’s (superconductor) presence unusual things happened to him. Rina may have an answer.

I notice that Guha is wearing the same sky blue shirt with white stripes which was gifted to him by Rina. He was wearing it the day before yesterday as well when she arrived. He may have worn it yesterday too but I didn’t meet him so wouldn’t know. I recall that Rina had presented the shirt to him in South Carolina a few months ago when he wore it four days straight. This again reminds me of Guha wearing the green kurta which was given to him by Kamal for three days in a row. Kamal, on a recent visit to New York, had presented him a lovely tunic from Fab India (a popular boutique chain in India). When I pointed out to Guha that he must have liked it a lot, he replied it all depended on who gifted it. But what impels me to take cognizance of such things? Clouds of envy, fear, insecurity passing by, may be? All this emotional dross leaves me exhausted and drained.

Guha and friends in Princeton, New Jersey

More dark clouds foreboding gloom and doom – some miscommunication with Guha threw me completely out of balance and the mind got engulfed in negative, mistrustful thoughts. He must have sensed what I was going through because he specially called to explain that due to cell phone signal problem he could not get in touch with me. He even took the trouble to come and meet me in Princeton that evening. Later, when I contritely apologized for throwing a tantrum he implored me never to treat myself so callously. He said he felt my torment in his guts. I felt tears welling up when I saw his message and also felt a little sorry for myself. He was right – I should never treat myself so heartlessly. Very grateful and super lucky to have a friend like Guha who can pull you up when you are down in the dumps.

Since I was a little girl I have been hypersensitive to my immediate surroundings and pick up vibes around me quickly. Unfortunately, my childhood environment was highly toxic and poisonous fumes from these pernicious afflictions destroyed my self-confidence and suppressed my innate talents and capabilities very early. The teens and twenties were painful and pitiful. I was always finding fault with myself – I was not beautiful enough, talented enough or smart enough. Full of strife, I was tormented and anguished, all the while secretly yearning for love and affection. Thirties saw a disastrous marriage unfold and estrangement from the family, leading to a complete erosion of love, trust, and faith in any relationship. The only silver lining was rearing my little son – today a fine young man – which saved me from insanity. The forties saw a sudden divorce and a desperate upsurge in spiritual pursuits to find succor and solace. Mantra, japa, yoga, meditation, and scriptural readings were pursued with full zest for the entire decade.

Ramana Maharshi

Halfway through my practices, enter Ramana, full of sweet serenity and harbinger of happiness. With Ramana I felt loved and protected, with Ramana I was at peace with myself, with Ramana I felt I was special because he walked with me arm in arm, talked to me like a buddy and listened to my sad tale as only a best friend would. His touch felt heavenly and I was completely bowled over. From time to time Ramana assured me through visions and dreams that he was looking after me and indeed I felt exuberant in my belief that I was an uncommon devotee of the greatest guru of twentieth century. But despite finding shelter under the Ramana love cloud, something was still missing, some kind of a vacuum which I can’t put my finger on, remained. The emotional trauma suffered through the years was still buried deep in the psyche which prevented me from breaking out of my shell. Plus, my self-enquiry (as taught by Ramana) was going nowhere. Guha: “Those who come to you through books (like Ramana or Ramakrishna) and those who you meet face to face are two different things.”

U.G. Mantra ‘Give Up!’

Life continued in its own rhythm till someone asked me if I had heard of U.G. Krishnamurti. No, I hadn’t, not really. I looked him up on the web and after some initial resistance, was drawn to him like a moth to a flame. “You have a tendency for fatal attraction,” Guha told me later. U.G. was the Demolition Man and the Great Benefic at the same time. The Demolition Man smashed to smithereens my ideas and notions about perfection, enlightenment, mysticism, the great guru-shishya parampara (guru-disciple lineage), religion, rituals, et al. U.G. created such a cataclysmic upheaval that I am still reeling from it; I am unable to pick up any book or take up any spiritual practices. All that blew away for good in the U.G. maelstrom. As the Great Benefic, U.G. forced me to reevaluate, reanalyze my core, fundamental objective of liberation I had set before me. He made me realize that it was a hollow and empty goal because it was purely conceptual; I was chasing rainbows. He made me understand that if there was anything called self-realization, there was nothing I could do to achieve it. Any movement, on any level would, in fact, strengthen that momentum. In the scriptures it is said, to whomsoever it chooses and no action on your part – karma, progeny, wealth or renunciation – can take you to that “state”. “Give up!” was U.G.’s mantra. I began to feel miraculously unencumbered, as if a heavy burden had been lifted from me. Incidentally, in astrology, Jupiter (called Guru in Vedic astrology) has been crowned the Great Benefic, the planet of luck and good fortune. Jupiter is also the largest planet in our solar system so anything it touches is always on a grand scale. Thus, its beneficial energy brings about transformation, radical or otherwise, in epic proportions. Bizarre as it may sound, my zodiac sign was indeed going through a Jupiter transit in that time period when I found not only U.G. but Guha as well.

To continue with my story, one fine day Guha decided to stop by for lunch at my house. The nimbus clouds dispersed, and it was as if I saw the sun shining for the first time in my life. All the pent-up grief and anguish bottled up for so long came gushing out as my emotional dam burst. For me, it was a kind of a rebirth, rejuvenation. Guha’s unconditional love and support gave me the strength and courage to believe in myself. He made me realize that I was lovable, worthy, talented, and more than capable to live life on my own terms. I don’t know why the sudden confessional but feel grateful to Guha for setting me on a path to be free of these devastating conditionings. I must add here that whoever has come to Guha has benefited where it matters most to them. Back to Nish.

Nish is curious why U.G. asked Guha to search for the first or a very early Bengali edition of The Gospel of Sri Ramakrishna. Guha replies the context in which U.G. asked him to do the research was not for any spiritual content but to find out whether Ramakrishna may have used profanity. U.G. had started using foul language and was looking for justification in spiritual literature. Guha being a Bengali would be able to read the original text so U.G. entrusted this mission to him. The English version that I read years ago certainly did not include any impiety. Thus, Guha ended up reading the book from cover to cover and marked pertinent sections for U.G. Nish said he was strongly influenced by Swami Vivekananda’s philosophy when he was young. And so the talk continues. I am sitting next to Guha and it is becoming difficult for me to concentrate on what’s being said. My eyelids are drooping and by sheer will power I am trying not to doze off. I have seen this happen many times. On one such occasion at Ansonia “office” I felt a kind of expansion in my consciousness.

G: (A little later) Nobody can give anything to anybody. That’s for sure. Mind is very tricky. By repeated thinking anything can become reality.

Nish: Is the universe deterministic?

G: What will you do knowing that? If someone says yes, you want to have proof.

Listening to him I am reminded of a talk he gave on how we seek to create an artificial reality through knowledge:


Every intention comes out of the sublime desire to be alive. It’s inbuilt in the species. Out of this, the intention of the knowledge is born. However, you want a secure future and to be free from the fear of the unknown by using knowledge and creating a virtual reality. The unknown can never be part of the knowledge and that’s what the seeker is seeking.

Knowledge will never satisfy the knower and the fear of the unknown will never go. Your well thought-out virtual reality will always break down as life unfolds and shatters your expectations. Understand, there can never be any knowledge which will give you complete security. All that your knowledge will create is an artificial security and that artificial security or reality can never take care of everything. It is betraying you every second. The moment you create an artificial reality you are micromanaging living moments and the moment an outcome is not as expected, it all comes crashing down. Life is moving in its own way, not through your picture-perfect reality. We have very little choice but to accept the power of life and it’s unknowability of movements towards the future. That’s the only way it can be dealt the best. The desire for knowledge needs to come to an end. It’s a meaningless search to know the unknown and control uncertainty.


Part I: A Big Zero

Part II: You Say Just the Way You See

Part III: A Pilot’s Tale

Part IV: A Collection of Nuclei

Part V: There Is No You

Part VI: The Tiger Is Out

Part VII: Thoughts Drain Life’s Energy

Part VIII: Caught In A Web of Love

Part IX: Never In Past And Never In Future

Part X: Butterflies Are Free

Part XII: Love Goes Toward Love



7 Responses

  1. Carol Sweatman

    Hi Nandini!
    Reading your new piece was so inspiring that I got out of bed at 1:20 AM for an intended meditation of two hours. As Life goes. – my five chicuacuas in the front yard barked for at least an hour and a half. I couldn’t rise above it so I gave up and went back to bed. Seems to me Life has its own plan. They haven’t been that noisy in many months.
    Proof, Guha is always telling about most of the plans we make and Mother Nature’s plan, which goes in a different direction.
    So will try again later at 5 AM.
    Here is “hoping” the snake they were teasing earlier this morning is long gone.

    Hurry and write more real soon for you have a way to say such helpful things with the words.
    Always your Friend,

  2. Richard

    Wow!! I am as bowled over by the frankness of the narrative as I am by the literary quality. It is surprising when I read your articles, emails and see photographs, of your confession regarding self-esteem. I see nothing but warmth, beauty and talent. And it is a great boon to make a friend of Guha. That I know from my own experience. Great piece!

  3. Carol Sweatman

    I would like to tell of a more recent encounter with my Friend, Manoj!

    When Manoj was away from the sit-downs with Guha and the Friends – I found him to be one of the most helpful and loving people around. At the airport leaving India, he took over immediately and lifted a big burden off my shoulders. He helped me so much by showing me where to go and what to expect. I was totally surprised and shocked at the change I felt from him. Around the same time in the airport, Guha was saying, “how He never missed anyone,” and other hard cold facts along those same lines of thought. During those tense moments, I was feeling very well taken care of by Manoj and feeling very comfortable. After that, I can never take Manoj seriously again – when he starts his tirades. He is now one of my best Friends.

  4. Manoj

    I was thinking I should frame the part in which Guha says I am one of the genuine guys and put it on the wall at my home. Wonder if he will sign that for me 🙂 ?

  5. Manoj

    Btw Carol I remembered one thing that surprised me when we were there in Julie’s house and I suddenly decided to play “Amazing grace” on YouTube for you on my laptop.Somtimes I get surprised by my own actions like at the airport :). It is my buddy’s influence .. I am more of the frustrated guy barking all the time 🙂

    I met a guy called Guha who is taking away the “inner or outer UG ” ! , which is the crutch i have . I was lucky to have come accross UG’s teachings and i am super duper lucky to have met Guha.

    To quote the old man :

    “A guru is one who tells you to throw away all the crutches that we have been made to believe are essential for our survival. The true guru tells you,“Throw them away, and don’t replace them with the fancy crutches or even computerised crutches.You can walk; and if you fall, you will rise and walk again.” Such is the man whom we consider, or even tradition considers, to be the real guru”

    even though he will blast me for saying this , in that sense I found my guru!!! No one else could have shown me my crutch and the cunning intentions of the mind except my buddy!.

  6. Manoj

    By hanging around him i saw my own ugly nature of “bhakti” which was nothing but possessiveness. He showed time and again that he is a ordinary human being and i wanted to attribute extraordinary godly powers to him. He treated me like a friend and a equal ( and i saw that applied for everyone) like no other friend could ever come close to matching in this lifetime. So what value does this Guru or god business have? to make slaves? It is so clear to me that if he did not have the integrity then he could have easily exploited the situation. People are falling left right and center to impress around him 🙂 . You need tremendous integrity to rise above that and be untouched by all that goes on.
    He is the only one who showed me the one real practical thing – to survive in this ugly society.. MONEY , time and again he drills that. No point in bumming around and feel spiritual and be dependent on someone else.
    To survive in this world its the only way and i need to figure out how to do that, so that i can take care of myself and my family and do what i feel is the most important in my life.

  7. Manoj

    Its a constant battle that goes on in the head and there is no end to it! , but Guha has unburdened me of so many of my false concepts. Especially the falseness related to the merry go round of the so called spiritual sh** world!

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