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A poem about my life before and after meeting Guha

Updated: May 22, 2021

G & ME

“To be simple requires a tremendous amount of talent and focus!”


I don’t think one ever chooses

To fall in love

It just happens when

You least expect it.

I never believed in love

For I thought it was all about power play.

You give me this,

I will give you that,

Exchange of promises

Of everlasting togetherness,

A deal worked out

That is mutually agreeable.

It does work for

Some amount of time,

For each is an

Investment of the other,

Together they face the world

And everything that is dished out.

Folks are forced to deal with

The good, the bad, and the ugly,

Sometimes kids are involved in the mix

And many a time not,

Either way it is all a grand deal

However one looks at it.

Then a few months or years go by

Everything isn’t what it’s cracked up to be,

All the rose-tinted ideas and romance

Come to a naught.

Some manage to get away but entrap themselves

In yet another merry-go-around.

Some stick it out

To make their investment work,

Some like the comfort

That the relationship offers

Some are plain lazy to do anything

And some ask is this all?


I thought I was smart

Well ahead of the game,

Played every move in awareness

Not wishing to rock my boat

For who was I to challenge

The accepted and established dynamics?

Neither had the inclination nor the guts

What difference did any of it make?

I saw misery all around regardless of

Religion, atheism, agnosticism,

Gender or orientation issues

All were in some boat or another.

Just to make matters interesting,

I thought of giving spirituality a chance,

Maybe it offered some solutions

Or perhaps present different problems.

Regardless, it was a good way to stir things up

And see what shakes out from the bottom to the top.

That got tiring after some time

Different gurus, different garbs, different gods,

All presenting and promising exclusive paths

To salvation and everlasting bliss!

Didn’t matter to them whether they found it for themselves or not

But it sure brought them money, adulation and power.

My angst and frustration grew

I wasn’t sure who or what could assuage it,

I was well placed in life

One could say I was living the American dream,

But somehow it wasn’t good enough

As I found myself desperately seeking something.


In the midst of all this

When I scoured the internet for enlightened masters,

I came across the name of U.G. Krishnamurti

Who stood out amongst the crowd,

I thought he was interesting but crazy

As I tried to grapple with what he said.

He seemed original but foul mouthed,

Very opinionated and rude

Made me wonder why

Anyone bothered with him at all,

It seemed like all he did

Was curse one and all.

However, what I read about him

Started bothering me a lot,

He seemed to challenge my ideas and goals

And my accepted way of functioning,

What did this man have that others did not?

What made him rage and rant like that?

Reading about him created a lot of discomfort

And put me in real funk,

For it seemed like my cherished ideas and self

Were all lumped with junk,

He exuded an undeniable and audacious confidence

That I couldn’t deny or miss.

I tried to get in touch with him

But it was in vain

Tried every which way known to me

But alas I couldn’t make it happen.

I just wanted to meet him and shake his hand

And if he allowed me, then ask him one question.

“What is it that you have

Even if you don’t want to give it a name?

Whatever that unnamed thing is

Can I also get a piece of the same?”

Then I would cringe at myself

Imagining how that conversation would go!

One day while at work

I browsed UG’s name one more time,

I found out that he had passed away

A few months earlier,

I was overcome with extreme grief

And cried like never before.

It did make me wonder

Wherefrom this sorrow springs

For someone that I had never met

And supposedly may not have even liked,

Tears poured down in torrents

And I left work to go home.

I rued over the missed opportunity

Of meeting and interacting with UG

Spent sleepless nights

Tossing, turning and crying,

Blamed the universe

For not offering me the chance.

I felt that UG was closest

To being the Buddha of our times,

Born with a silver spoon

Yet had forsaken his wealth and fortune,

He seemed to have even renounced all familial ties

In pursuit of the ultimate truth.


In those moments of extreme anguish and grief

A name popped up in my head

A name that had come up

In one of the many UG articles that I had read.

The name was Sabyasachi Guha

A family man and seemingly a devotee of UG.

I felt that I should contact him

Perhaps he could give me some answers,

What questions I would ask him

I did not know

But contact him I must

That much I was sure.

Then came the search that was fast and furious

I looked up his name, his bio,

Any news or article that would mention him

Or any of his friends or family members,

Something that would tell me of his whereabouts

Or what he might be up to.

I was on the internet surfing every spare minute

But couldn’t find much about him

Called up random people

Hoping they would have information,

I felt a raging fire in my belly

That would not leave me alone.

By some stroke of sheer good fortune,

I got in touch with Julie Clarke Thayer,

A longtime friend of UG.

She was able to put me in touch with Guha,

He was roaming around somewhere in India

In the lower Himalayan region.

I was ecstatic to get him on the phone

My joy knew no bounds!

Then to my extreme frustration

Not a word would come out of my mouth

For I was crying heart-wrenchingly

And I did not want him to know.

I stuttered trying to address him by name,

He said, “Call me Guha, Just Guha.”

He gently prodded to know the reason for my call.

He was also very curious how I found him

As not much was written about him

On the net or elsewhere.


After a few exchanges

Of phone calls and emails,

I was able to meet Guha a few months later

The circumstances that came about

To arrange that meeting

Had their own mystical backstory.

Some family event and invitation

Landed me in New York City

And now I felt I was in the vicinity

I called Guha excitedly

We arranged to meet a couple of days later

At his home in New Jersey.

Something made me wish with all my heart,

“Couldn’t we meet sooner, perhaps today itself?”

Then I threw out a challenge to the universe ,

“If there is anything to this guy called Guha,

He will move things around and meet me today

Without my making that request aloud.”

To make the odds a little bit more difficult

I threw out a second challenge as well,

“Guha will also invite me over

And have me stay in his hometown!”

Lo and behold the universe

Accepted my challenge and fulfilled them both!

That day was June 23rd, 2008

It was a Monday

The digits add up to a multiple of 7

That has its own unique connection with Guha

We were to meet in Luna’s apartment

In midtown Manhattan.

I remember the suspenseful ticking moments,

As the elevator made its way up

My hands were clammy

And my head on overdrive

The universe was enabling and directing me

To this new door.

When I did see G (Guha became G) on that momentous day

And he clasped my hand with both of his and shook it

I felt my whole existence was being shaken

I wanted to do a little jig and felt like saying,

“Oh my god! This is finally happening!

I am shaking my hands with a legend!”

A random thought popped in my head

This is how Henry Stanley must have felt,

When he shook David Livingstone’s hand

And said “Dr. Livingstone I presume?”

Caught myself before I blurted out,

“Dr. Guha I presume?”

I found myself at a loss for words

And overcompensated

By asking superfluous questions

And wearing a silly grin

I can’t recall much of what was said

But found myself in very high spirits!

They gave me a car tour

Of the downtown, midtown and uptown NYC

All I could see was a blur

Of lights, traffic and tall buildings

That gave me a reprieve

From asking further silly questions.

G spent the evening with me,

Then he dropped me at Julie’s for the night.

He made plans for the next day

To walk by some canal

Followed by a lunch at his place

Everything sounded like music to me!

That night I had my first dream of UG,

UG talked to me for hours on Julie’s balcony

Then at the end he said,

“You won’t remember a thing that I said the last 4 hours!”

I related the strange dream to Julie and then G

Both seemed quite happy hearing it or so it felt to me.

Next day morning we walked by the canal,

Seeing me in my Birkenstock slippers,

He urged me to get a pair of good sneakers,

He had me mesmerized as he chatted with me very casually

And tossed and skipped stones

Beautifully and elegantly across the canal.

Later, we drove to G’s place at 8,Civic Center Drive,

Where I was introduced to his family.

His wife had cooked a lovely lunch

And his daughters were very warm and friendly.

There was sumptuous food, singing and conversation

That revolved around UG.

They showed me some video clips of when UG

First came to their home and another before his passing,

Feelings and emotions seemed

To be running high all around

Or perhaps they were running within me

And I saw its reflection.

We also watched some clips from the movie Species II

In which Julie’s son had acted.

Then we sat down for lunch and I remember one thing very distinctly

Just before we took our first morsel

G asked for a sweet box

To be brought from the refrigerator.

When someone remarked that it was for dessert

He said, “Why not start our lunch with dessert?”

He handed me the sweet first and it was my favorite ‘malaai sandwich’!

In my hyped-up state, I couldn’t help feeling

That this was a grand initiation

To something sacred and personal.

While eating some of UG’s favored dishes,

G casually asked me

When I had arrived to this country

Normally I would have said the year I came

But for some inexplicable reason

I mentioned the month, date and year.

G exclaimed animatedly,

“Wow what a coincidence!

I came to US the same date, month and year too!”

I thought to myself,

“Although we arrived same day

Look at the different paths our lives took since."

After lunch it was coffee time

And I will never forget the next scene.

G was sitting in an armchair

And requested for some coffee

Someone prepared special Italian Illy coffee

And brought it to him.

He said, “Too little milk”

And someone scurried and got him some more.

Then he said, “Too little sugar”

And another fetched him some and stirred his cup.

“The coffee is too cold now” said he,

And a third went and warmed it up for him.

I watched this scene in absolute bemusement

And a thought crossed my mind,

“Is this the guy that I have come to

To learn to be free and independent

And perhaps learn the secrets

Of ‘Natural State’ or ‘Enlightenment’?”

“He needs three people to tend to him for a cup of coffee

Boy what a spoiled brat!

I shushed this thought, lest he read my mind,

After all the universe thought highly of him

And brought me to his doorstep.”

Years later I discovered the joy of making or heating up coffee for G!

I thought he was very kind

To offer a ride to the bus station couple of days later.

His friends joined the car ride to NYC

He regaled us with stories about his time with UG

And emphasized that there was nothing to get from anyone

In those moments I felt I could listen to him for the rest of my life!

Boarded the bus with my head in the clouds and my heart singing,

Kept waving my hands and saying goodbye until my last minute

I couldn’t sleep a wink on the long ride back

As thoughts of G swirled in my head

I felt maybe another chapter

Of my life had come to an end.

Little did I know then

That a new chapter had begun,

Only in hindsight and connecting the dots

Can one make that discovery.

Few days after I got back, I called G

And started crying on the phone.

I did not know the reason why

But I felt very melancholy without him.

Not knowing what to say or ask

Or explain the ache within me

I made some general small talk

And politely hung up feeling a bit embarrassed.

I started emailing G

And calling him off and on

Always getting flummoxed

When he asked me,

“What is it you want?”

And “Why are you calling me?”

No answer seemed good enough

Despite a lot of reflection and contemplation.

Anything I did was self-defeating and frustrating.

I would go to a local park bench

And lie down and shed copious tears,

Wondering why such simple questions made me weep for G.


About six months after I first met G

Sometime towards the end of 2008,

I had a very distinct dream

That nearly knocked me out.

I can still recall it very clearly

As if I dreamt it yesterday.

The dream went like this:

I was driving a car (unenthusiastically)

Through the streets of NYC.

G was riding beside me in the passenger seat

And behind him was UG

There was a lady behind me who I couldn’t see.

I was having a rough time

Maneuvering through the city streets and traffic,

This was worsened by G

Giving non-stop instructions and directions.

I was waiting for this painful drive to end

So I could talk peacefully to UG.

I felt like telling G,

“If you know the streets so well why aren’t you driving?

That would free me up to talk to UG

Who is sitting right behind us!”

I didn’t have the guts to say it out loud

And managed to plug along in great misery.

Finally, I stopped the car at a long red light,

And eagerly turned towards UG.

Anticipating my question

UG looked at me straight in the eye and said firmly,

“The answer to all your questions

Is right next to you!”

I looked for some signpost or billboard

On my driver’s side window to my left

Finding nothing I turned to my right

My eyes falling on G

“Oh no it possibly can’t be,

It can’t be him that holds the key!”

Giving me a delighted, beaming smile,

Reading my thoughts and expressions perfectly,

G extended his right hand

In a warm and intimate handshake.

As my right hand and my universe was being shaken

I felt I was getting a formal handoff from UG to G.

I couldn’t figure out

If I should laugh hysterically or cry

Or just chalk it to a dream and move on.

Move on I did, continuing my search,

Search for that something

That would quench my thirst.

I neither found satisfaction nor answers in calling G

Or calling anyone else

In the spiritual marketplace or jamboree.

As frustration built up,

The placebos and replacements wore off

Until I felt I had reached the end of my rope.

It always seemed to me that G

Was unpredictable and did the unexpected

I would be pouring my heart and soul out ,

Crying the blues about my existential crisis,

Hoping to hear some pearls of wisdom or advice

Or get some spiritual guidance from him.

While I waited with bated breath for G’s response

He would randomly remark

About the uniqueness of my phone number, zipcode and name

That added up to multiples of seven,

As if I cared or it mattered

Leaving me irritated and puzzled.


Somewhere during that time

I had few dreams of Sai,

Many strange experiences and coincidences

Seemed to naturally happen,

I never harbored any desire to meet him

Or worship or deify him in any manner.

Curiosity and interest in Sai

Nevertheless blossomed

Seeing the stirrings of a conflict

One day I asked myself should I follow Sai or G

The Sai of my imagination won out

As it was easier to deal with wishful thinking that a livewire G!

I had some interesting experiences

That hooked me for a while.

Alas! There was no lasting change.

Misery, angst, and frustrations were back with a vengeance.

As with every passing phase this too came to pass

About 6 months before Sai passed away.

Feeling desperate, sad, and lonely

I looked at a picture of Sai at my home and said,

“You say - you and I are one,

Then how come your picture

Is on your devotees’ walls and worshipped

Whilst I am steeped in so much misery.”

Suddenly I heard a voice

(Of Sai I presumed)

Very distinctly ask me,

“Do you really want a way out?”

At my unequivocal “YES” the voice said thrice,


I was stunned beyond belief

And rubbed my eyes and ears

Wondering if I was

Awake or asleep or dreaming

There was no mistaking what I had heard

For the words were crystal clear.

I cried out quite shrilly,

“Do you have any idea what G calls you?”

I repeated the foul expletives

That were often used by him for Sai

But there was no Sai left anymore

The baton seemed to have formally passed to G.

After that powerful hallucination

Which seemed more real than real

All my thoughts and feelings

For Sai completely disappeared.

As the saying goes all roads lead to Rome

It seemed like all my roads led to G.

I called G on the phone

Feeling a little apprehensive and unsure

Of the reception I would get,

For it had been a couple of months since I had last called him.

On hearing his cheerful voice at the other end

I wept and wept and wept inconsolably.

G would later say to me

That he distinctly remembered that day

He was walking around in Kohl’s department store

When I called out of the blue and cried.

He knew then that I had really fallen

Hook line and sinker and was a ‘goner’.

Although I never mentioned

Either UG’s or Sai’s dream to G until years later,

No stories were needed for him to feel the connection.

After that day I remained in touch with G very regularly

Regardless of the highs and lows that he triggered

For there was plenty of that around him.

In hindsight, all the highs and lows

Are our own creation,

The laser focus that G’s energy provides

Brings it all to the fore;

What we do about it is akin to

Arriving at the fork on the road.

Are you going to take the well travelled path

Of practiced love, devotion, surrender and worship

Or the one less traveled

Where you have no clue what lies ahead of the next bend?

Maybe it is not a choice you can make

It is your system that decides to take the plunge.

Years later, when I did tell G about both the UG and Sai dreams

He was thrilled about the former and completely dismissive of the latter.

I asked him why would my system generate those dreams;

He responded, “Perhaps the innate intelligence of your body,

Is guiding you to what is congenial for its equilibrium;

For the body is far more intelligent than the mind!”


Sometime towards the end of 2011

I accidentally came across a book

On UG called “Goner” written by Louis Brawley.

Didn’t mean to purchase it but somehow I did,

Read it cover to cover

Without putting it down.

Shed a lot of tears for a man

That had lived and died

Without making a compromise

Left behind no hope, no method, no path, no promise

Oh to be like him for just five minutes in this life

Would be a life worth living!

Out of that deep and sincere wish

Something magical happened

In March of 2012, G gave me a call and said,

“How about I come and visit you?”

Not believing my ears and my luck I said,

“That would be awesome please tell me when”?

G arrived with two of his friends

Couple of days later

He spent two days with me

He patiently answered all my questions and concerns

Some shift happened in me on that trip

Somehow he seemed to grab my steady attention.

I started calling him every day

Often times more than once or twice

Sometimes he was kind and often times not

During those not-so-nice moments

I would often wonder why

I bothered to keep calling him.

He promised nothing, denied everything,

Kept contradicting himself

Creating confusion and turmoil

Often leaving me vexed

I would tell myself, “I don’t need this”

But couldn’t resist calling him and making trips to meet him.

The attraction and fascination

Seemed to grow day by day,

G challenged my every view, idea, desire and goal

That related to spirituality, religion and all else

He placed a lot of emphasis on functional reality

And introduced practicality in every aspect of life.

He challenged me to bag it all

My gods, gurus and spiritual books and make a bonfire

Emboldened by his assurance

That nothing bad or terrible would happen

I found the guts to pitch it all in the garbage

And never turned back.

That seemed to somehow be a turning point

A discovery only in hindsight,

With no spiritual goal and aspiration to chase

Discarded the very idea of enlightenment

Or a particular state of mind to acquire

I was jittery in animated suspension.

There was a big gush of energy

That freed up within me,

This energy had intense heat and momentum

And a punch and pulse of its own

It led to a constant buzz and hum

In my system round the clock.

Strange hallucinations and visions

Started coming galore,

Seemed to come up with interesting storylines

Like those in folklore

The attraction and heat intensified all on its own

With not a moment of relief.

Found a focal point to direct that energy

To a person who was beautiful beyond belief

I had no clue if I was coming or going

Exquisite feelings randomly enveloped me

Things were happening fast and furiously

Like I had never heard of before.

One fine day on a cold wintry morning,

In January 2015 G called and said,

“I may be going to Chicago via your hometown,

Are you interested?”

Caught by surprise and not knowing what to say

I hemmed and hawed.

“Come to meet me first,

We shall see what materializes” I said.

A friend of mine urged me to go

Said a chance like this may not happen again

She was absolutely right

Because it ended up being a trip of a lifetime!


It was Friday, January 16th 2015,

The place was the Drake Hotel Chicago

G’s room was called “The King’s Room”

How apropos was that?

A regal name and a delightful ambience

The stage was royally set.

The man himself seemed to be

Breathing fire and brimstone

He verbally attacked with words

That were sharper than the finest Swiss knife

And he seemed to threaten

The very existence of my life.

I looked around at others

No one else seemed unduly perturbed

“What the hell is happening to me?”

I muttered as I tried to keep it together

I was cornered like an animal

Wanted to lash out in self-defense.

Looking at G and I cried out aloud,

“I would like to beat you with the biggest stick I can find!”

He replied “Go for it, it’s no big loss”

He said it with such nonchalance that I was taken aback

That was my undoing for it was

The last straw that broke the camel’s back.

Hot and cold currents exploded up and down my back

I felt someone had punched my guts

My breathing pattern became weird and labored

And I shivered uncontrollably

G knew something was up

And asked me if I wanted some water.

He said I could lie down

And rest if I wanted

Wrapping myself with a shawl

I politely refused.

All the strength had left me

I just did not know what was happening.

My whole system seemed to be on hyper alert

I kept looking at G with ardor and wonder

My menstrual period that followed a schedule

Of 28 days in a clockwork and consistent fashion

Kicked in unexpectedly and off-schedule

And was to be my last one ever.

This heralded a permanent and lasting change

To my hormonal system

It wasn’t the only system

To be impacted as I would later discover

For now I was feeling brittle and thought

I would crumble without any provocation.

I was never the same after that

For a strange metamorphosis took over.

Infused with a new kind of

Energy and alertness never experienced before,

The entire focus of my attention

And existence fell on G.

There was no mental ideation or desire

To hold him in an exalted position

It was happening from some newly developed

And hitherto unknown sensation

All I knew was that G

Became the center of my universe.

Couple of days later

The morning of my return from Chicago

G and his friends were gathered in his room

He caught me by surprise when

He asked me to talk about my life

And my search until then.

I talked for over an hour uninterrupted

Sometimes with laughter and sometimes in tears

I poured out my childhood memories

Of wanting to be like Buddha,

Studies, marriage, kids, family and career

And various ups and downs.

I talked about joining a spiritual organization

That I eventually left in frustration

Various other gurus and spiritual experiences

And the eventual dejection that followed,

My stumbling across UG

That later led me to G but still found no resolution.

I burst into tears

As I talked about reading “Goner”

And how I desperately wanted to be like UG

Even if only for a few minutes.

G’s eyes glistened as he said,

“OMG! I can’t stop listening! I’m spellbound!”

As G dropped me off at the train station

He said I could call him as often as I wanted

I thought this is a nice change

After years of barely taking my calls

He then emailed me

A beautifully and anonymously written article.

Julie and G speculated that the article

May have been written by UG himself many years ago

G called me a few times on the ride back

To discuss this article and my impressions

Was he using that as an excuse

To ensure that I was okay until I reached home safely?

Perhaps it was also an attempt by G

To give me a glimpse or a hang of what he himself might be,

There wasn’t much written on him then

Anything I could glean had to come from the horse’s mouth itself.

It wasn’t something I could really ask him about

As he would only deny it and say I am not UG.


Thoughts of G swirled and rotated

In my head without consciously thinking

A deep desire to be with him, talk to him, see him,

Interact with him all the time

Burned and seared

Through my existence.

Although I used to call him and meet him

And sought his company before

All that seemed like a pale shadow

Compared to what was happening now

I was consumed with the raw intensity

Of wanting to be with him.

I thought maybe this too was an experience

That would soon pass like the ones before,

Strangely it stirred up

Emotions and passions galore

They gathered more momentum and verve

Putting my system on overdrive.

Every second of my existence

Seemed to become vibrantly alive

My sleep, my rest, and my functioning

All went for a toss

But I was too high strung

To mull over that loss.

The first two weeks of February were filled

With a lot of push-pull between G and me

First he shut off the phone for two days

Triggering the first of a series

Of vivid dreams and hallucinations

That continued for the next two years.

These caused massive headaches

And severe neck and chest pains

When he eventually materialized

And said hello and I related my dreams to him

He quoted his old man (UG),

“One’s dreams are far more instructive than any scripture.”

The next day I was at a local bookstore

When G called and perturbed me

Something just unraveled within me

And I fell apart completely

I felt the floor give away under my feet

And I was spiraling downwards and out.

I could hear G say, "Are you ok?

Say something are you having cold shivers?"

I could not get a word out of my constricted throat

As I was fighting for the next breath

I felt a searing pain in my heart

And thought I would die pinned to the ground.

The bookstore assistant helped me off the floor

Walked and seated me on a sofa

Fetched me a glass of water

Asked if I was all right and needed medical help

Refusing, I just sat there chilled to the bone

No words, no coherence.

I could not put two consecutive thoughts together

That made any sense

Bereft and beleaguered

I drove home and slept early and fitfully

I decided I would shut my phone off

And never ever call G.

The “not calling G ever" business

Lasted about three days

Those were probably the worst

And the most hellish three days of my life

I would have vivid dreams when asleep

And hallucinate whilst awake.

My head, neck and chest area seemed

To compete as to which could feel more pain

I was overcome with extreme exhaustion

That finally broke my stubbornness

I called G and he erased all my aches and pains

Both the physical and the mental.

I soared to great heights right after,

Experiencing insane amounts of joy, energy and vitality

Love blossomed in my heart

G’s refrain that heart was just for pumping didn’t dampen it

I felt happy in every shade and hue of color

And in every note of music.

I was amazingly focused at work

Got a lot accomplished in a short span of time

Rest of the time was spent writing

About what was happening inside of me

It seemed as if G had made inroads

Into every cell of my being.


Exactly a month later February 17, 2015

T’was the supposedly auspicious day of Mahashivaratri

I felt nothing for the day

As all my sense of auspiciousness revolved around G.

G woke up that morning and declared, “I am in yoga-nidra

And the world is meditating on me, please don’t disturb me.”

Surprised and puzzled

I thought what the heck!

Perhaps it was a new excuse

To get the monkey off his back.

But later G confirmed

That he did say what he did.

He himself was surprised

Did not know what made him say it

I thought the dude

Was stranger than fiction

Little did I know that for me

It was a prelude to a different benediction.

That night I was extremely hot and miserable

Overheated to a whole new degree

Contracting, flexing, contorting, twitching,

Tossing, turning, burning, eyes watering,

It felt as if someone was

Chopping me in half with a giant axe.

Pain was tearing me

Lengthwise in the back

And breadthwise in the front torso

I felt I was actually delivering a whole country

As fireworks set off in my nervous system

I felt shooting pains everywhere.

I thought I was going to die

Welcomed the thought to escape this pain

Suddenly wanted to throw up

But found myself pinned down unable to move

I thought I was going to drown

In my own vomit, Oh what a way to go!

Suddenly I get a text from G that said,

“I had to wake up and

Even had to throw up for you”

Made me really wonder

How did he know

What I was going through?

The long and violent night passed

I must have eventually dozed off

Woke up feeling

Absolutely and helplessly

In love with G

Love that felt untainted and sweet!

It mattered not a bit whether G was

A man or a woman, young or old fair or ugly

For the first time I saw him clearly

As a force of nature and not an ordinary mortal

All I felt was this incredible love

And in G, I found an anchor in the stormy sea.

Later that morning I went to the grocery store

To pick up a few essentials

Feeling raw and tender

And racked with intermittent waves of painful contractions

My solar plexus area was a giant gaping wound

Although outwardly all seemed normal.

When I entered the store, I was blown away

By the myriad sensations all bombarding me at once

The fruits and vegetables were extra vibrant

And colorful and gloriously alive

I thought I had gone bananas

When the bananas talked to me!

My sensitivity was so high

It felt impossible to think and shop

The brilliant colors and assortment of aromas

Filled and clogged my senses

I watched in absolute wonderment as I was being pulverized

And ‘I’ and ‘my thinking’ were completely sidelined.

Every time I held some food item in my hand

I got a kick in my solar plexus

Quite akin to a kick from a baby

In the mother’s womb

It was the strangest conversation between things

In my external surroundings and my inside.


That morning G suggested that I take off from work

For a week and work remotely if need be

He also promised to dance for me

I thought he was being funny

But much to my surprise

He actually made true on his promise.

On Facetime he danced away

With great abandon and joy

Whilst his friend sang in the background

And Julie recorded the whole episode on her phone

It never ceases to amaze me

How effortlessly things fall into places!

The following week I resumed at work

It was absolutely torturous

For I couldn’t sit still or think productively

And I saw no point in toiling

Or having a career or doing anything

As everything felt too contrived, fake and tedious.

My mind was operating funnily

Its attention consumed by my physical being

That was thumping to a different beat.

G had to coax me gently

At times harshly too, to bring me back

To some semblance of mundane reality.

I could tell from the reactions

Of the people I was interacting with

That I was affecting them,

I found myself being and feeling

Like a teenager with raging hormones

Experiencing crazy highs and crashes.

I had so much energy and chutzpah

Spilling out of my core

One moment I would be flying like a kite

Then just like that I would curl

Into an exhausted ball

Too weak and tired to even lift my head.

How I managed to make it to my car

And drive to work and home safely

Is really a big mystery

As all aspects of my life seemed

Out of control and out of whack

G became my lifejacket to stay afloat.

By a strange quirk of fate

I stayed alone by myself for a month right after

Going to work and back

Was my only scheduled and taxing activity.

Every spare moment was spent

On my phone waiting to hear from G.

G became a lifeline

For my existence and for my sanity

Just as a newborn baby seeks nourishment

From his or her mother to stay alive and function

G became my only source of nourishment,

Warmth, strength and sustenance.


Contractions in my mid-section area

Continued over the next few weeks

With reducing intensity and pain

Followed by an introduction

Of amazing laser sharp focus

That to date still continues.

I also felt some kind of new sensor

Finding a home in my solar plexus.

It had a mind of its own

That rarely seemed to agree

With the junk in my head

And tried its best to push it all out.

If the mind chose to not cooperate

With the push and pull of the body,

If the two of them were found

Warring and at loggerheads with each other,

Exhaustion and pain kicked in quickly

Leaving me nearly dead.

I asked G when all this pain and misery

Would end and he responded

“To burn the samaskaras

And samaskara-gathering tendency is not easy

A new born baby doesn’t become a man overnight,

Things take time to adjust to the new rhythm.”

As phenomenal amounts of energy and emotions,

Mental movements and physical pain

Were running amuck ravaging my body

I asked G for a way out and he repeated the story

Of his old man when he showed G the signpost

“Love is the only way! “

Over the next few months

My life saw lots of twists and turns

More mysterious and dramatic

Than any movie or book

Vivid dreams and hallucinations

Became the mainstay.

“This is how samaskaras are expelled

From the system like toxins” G said,

Certain specific parts of my body

Came alive and sang in pain

He pointed out those areas seemed to coincide

With the glands of the endocrinal system.

I was plagued by grinding headaches

Often it felt that my head would crack or explode

Aches and burns in most parts of my body

Not an inch was spared outside and within

My fingernails and toenails split repeatedly

Due to intense heat and causing tremendous pain.

Layers of dead dry skin fell off each night

As fine ashy powder for months on end

G said, “This is the real vibhuti generated by the burning

Of the samaskaras and the release of toxins

Not the fake perfumed, grey, ashy powder

Distributed by babas on the street corners.”

I could not get over how much of these samaskaras

Could one possibly accumulate in one’s lifetime!

My life before was pretty straightforward

And humdrum with no major excitement

I was neither a pious person nor a crook

Had no special talents and pretty much lived by the book.

G said the effect of the generations of nurturing

Help shape the DNA and create samaskaras

Culture and its impositions strengthen

Creating a thick layer of second nature

Making the process of the body reaching its equilibrium

That much more challenging.


One cannot make a choice to step away

From the stronghold of thought

Imposed by nurture and culture

One cannot molt it away like snakeskin

The only way out is for it to burn itself off

And get snuffed out from within.

What causes this smokeless fire to start

Is a big mystery with no correct answer

I certainly have not read books or browsed sites

That can shed any light on the matter

All I can say is that things started to unravel for me

After some spark got ignited during the Chicago trip with G.

The lit flame and the huge upheaval of that evening

Roared into a raging fire on the night of Mahashivaratri

The smokeless fire that burns and singes

Everything in its path ruthlessly

It is possible that the prelude to that

Started years before, I can’t say or know.

G oft repeats his old man’s words

“Attraction is the action”

That implied that if something within you

Was genuinely attracted and resonated with him

No further action was required

Natural unfoldment followed without doing anything.

It was only much later that I realized

G only chooses and repeats those words of UG

That perhaps can lend a helping hand

Or give a hang of it to others

Words that had helped G in the past

During his own gradual unfoldment and discovery.

The burning continued bringing with it

New symptoms and pains everyday

I could feel certain areas of my body

That I didn’t even know existed

My ears would ring with tremendous pressure

My eyes in blinding pain would water.

My tongue would alternatively turn red, white or yellow

And burn when touched by food or liquids

The top layer of the skin on my palms

Peeled off completely like a thin layer of glue

Leaving me with a delicate sensitivity and excruciating pain

Unable to touch anything for days.

Glands around my neck swelled

And knotted like a series of golf balls strung together

Sometimes these lumps would move

It would create tremendous pulling

And pressure and some occasional pain

It seemed to follow some rhythm of the lunar calendar.

New Moon and Full Moon

Became days and nights to dread

I had terrible headaches and nausea

I had to take off from work and stay in bed

I became sensitive to folks around me

And often found that I preferred isolation.

Once while I was walking

On a beautiful trail in Switzerland with G

My olfactory senses were flooded

With the sweet smell of roses

There was not a rose or a rose bush

In sight or in the vicinity.

When I mentioned this, G just laughed

And said “Enjoy it while it lasts!”

I enjoyed it until I practically swooned

With the cloying intensity of this fragrance

Everything seemed to shine

With extra brilliance around G!

Despite all these ups and downs

I could show tremendous focus in critical things

I can’t claim any credit

As this was something that happened organically.

I was exhausted at various times of the day

Took frequent catnaps to rest up and then resumed work.

Whenever I got a chance

I took time off to meet G.

Reasons and excuses

Arrived by themselves to enable me

It still boggles my mind how this happened

A gift from Mother Nature is what I can conclude.

As the body seemed to transform itself in front of my eyes

Through these various happenings

The mind was a whole different story

Old ideas and patterns pummeled

Against this new evolving system

My sense of self and ego took a bashing.

This happened by constant perturbation

And energy pounding by G

To show the shallowness

Of the human mind and its many shortcomings

Although G says that he never does anything

I truly believe that he acts as a flint to the fire.

He constantly works with people’s energies

If they truly open themselves to him

Although a lot of folks crowd around him

It seems as if very few actually resonate with him

He oft said, “You can’t get wet when you jump into the water

Wearing many layers of waterproof suits”

He is a master at running the perturbation theory,

Which was always very hellish to me

He seemed to somehow withdraw energy

And I felt as if my life energy was receding

Bringing to light certain startling demons

That lay hidden beneath.

This energy withdrawal often sheds light

And dredges out one’s superficiality,

Brings into the open hidden agendas, intentions and falsity.

One could use it as an opportunity to rid oneself of it all for good

But it causes so much pain and anguish to the ego

That one rarely does what one could or should.

More often than not it results

In bitchiness and meanness towards another

It’s easier to blame, ridicule and fault someone else

Than delve and address one’s own craziness.

After pushing one to the brink of madness

G then releases his compassionate energy.

I may or may not be right

About this whole perturbation thing but that’s how it feels to me

It felt like my viscera was being ripped apart

And at times, at its worst, made me suicidal.

Pain in the body combined with anguish of the ego/mind

Creates a dangerous cocktail.

Some days, life didn’t seem worth living

Not even for one extra moment

During one of these episodes,

I almost carried it through when G called me out of the blue

And whispered three times, “Please don’t do it”

Although I never told him what I was about to do.

You can’t get rid of the mind G would say

Anything you say or do

Only strengthens it some more

There is no such thing as a thoughtless state

So might as well use your head

For what is really practical and functional for you.

Earn money, stand on your feet,

Walk with your head high,

Never imposing on anyone,

And not letting anyone impose on you

Freedom if any is only that

For there is no ultimate freedom or truth!

G oft said, “You are very lucky indeed

If your subject specific functional reality (SSFR)

Allowed you to find a reprieve and a balm for pain

By focusing on something or someone free of any agenda.”

To me, G was the ultimate balm

For the pain experienced was plenty.

I cyclically experienced highs and lows,

Highs when I was with him

And incredible lows when I wasn’t.

With a kind smile or singing a Tagore song

He would gently resuscitate me and lift my spirits

Until it soared to new heights.

I also found that the words spilled

Out of me very spontaneously

And often found their way

To a piece of paper or my computer screen

Didn’t seem like a story or a poem

Or anything of any literary value.

It was a one-sided conversation

Between G and me,

These words gave me company

When I was down and out or gloriously happy

One thing was for sure

They usually came automatically.

Not all the words that spontaneously spilt out

Were pretty or eloquent

I went through a short phase

Where there were expletives aplenty

Whilst talking to G I used every foul word

In every language I knew.

I was stunned by the fluency and the extent

Of my own colorful vocabulary

To anything G said I showed him

The middle finger much to his delight

Just as fast this phase came, it also ended quickly

But G would never let me forget.

Perhaps it was a much needed phase

For me to assert my own independence,

Or maybe in G I found an audience

That would never judge even my worst side,

Or perhaps it was a cleansing of a different kind

Where nothing was sacred or taboo.

I discovered for myself that words were just functional

Merely a means for communication

Devoid of any of the deep emotions

That we love to bestow

Whatever the subtle intentionality

It somehow was freeing.


Slowly my body seemed

To adapt to a new efficiency

Anything that wasn’t necessary

Or healthy was streamlined out

Protecting itself

With a new kind of immunity.

If I gave into any temptation

Of unhealthy food or drink

Or indulge in any

Unnecessary strenuous activity

The body would protest quite strongly

And force me to give it up.

So it was with my mental world as well

That created a parallel universe

Of heaven and hell

Thoughts and ideas

That didn’t serve a functional purpose

Were gradually edged out.

It was replaced by a

Steadfast and natural focus on G

This happened to me effortlessly and seamlessly

For the body had the intelligence to know

What was congenial for itself

For its optimized functioning.

Through all these peaks and valleys

I discovered for and by myself

Love by any name

Is to only love oneself,

To claim love for another

Is only an exercise in self-gratification.

For mind by its very nature

Is fascist and self-serving

Only interested in considering

Itself meritorious and deserving

There is no question of outsmarting the mind

It’s way too insidious to trick itself.

Unless a stroke of luck puts

Someone like G in one’s path

One can never know

What one-sided love is all about

If you are lucky, you catch a glimpse

Of this love that is unfettered like Mother Nature.

Others’ opinions about me

Started to matter very little

As my own views lost their grip and value

This was a huge change

From the person I used to be

For I used to choose words very carefully.

I used to be sensitive to what others said about me

And would feel hurt very easily,

Now I see those as ideas

Felt or expressed at a particular point in time

With no influence whatsoever

In the daily course of life.

G opened my eyes to the fact

That life has its own rhythm and flow,

Doesn’t seem to care one whit

For what you feel, say, think, have, or know

A tsunami here or a nuclear attack there

Will decimate you in a moment ruthlessly.

Your search for something everlasting is an illusion

You only get that idea from somebody else’s delusion

Body wants to function efficiently

Handling the challenges of the moment

Its operation far more dynamic and alive

Unshackled by ideas of a particular end state or goal.

G holds nothing sacred and joyfully trashes

Anything that carries the stench of holiness

Yet I have never come across

A more pure, spotless and genuine person.

I have never seen him take advantage of anyone

And his actions are always impeccable.

He never judges anyone and his door is open to all

The choice is always yours to walk in or out.

He becomes whatever one needs him to be

A tough master or a gentle friend

He can be the wisest of the wise

And can also be the craziest and nuttiest of all.

G gently took away the regrets from my past

And the goals and worries of my future

He continually provides me with a shoulder to cry on

And laughter to ease my burden

Sings and dances for me like no other

And shows incredible and inexhaustible patience.

G gives me immense amount of time

On the phone and in person,

Offers a hand in friendship

Without expecting anything in return

I cannot imagine my life without him,

Who wouldn’t want to have a friend like G?

14. POST SCRIPT (January 16, 2018)

It has been exactly three years since

My trip to Chicago with G

These three years have been real crazy

I feel like I have been through

A washer, heated dryer, grinder and dishwasher

Every single day of this period.

Whatever this is

I will never know or understand

I just feel the aftereffects

Of the earthquake within

The quakes and tremors continue

Shaking and rattling my core each day.

Gradually I am getting used

To expect the unexpected,

I don’t plan much ahead

As anything I plan or decide

Gets laughed off anyway

Life seems to march to its own beat.

I still continue to work

Despite having no ambition or desire

I realize that it keeps me engaged

And prevents me from going stir crazy

I do take a lot of time off

When I feel unwell or for making trips to see G.

Much to my surprise

I am actually doing well in my job

Better than ever before

For this I give G complete credit

As he energizes me each day

Via Facetime, texts and in-person trips.

I happened to meet my friend yesterday

(The same one that urged me to go to Chicago)

For an evening tea and dinner

We were talking animatedly about G

The topic never seemed to exhaust itself

As it charged us continually.

Out of the blue I remarked:

Growing up when you read about

Buddha, Mahavir, Muhammad or Sri Ramakrishna

Did you ever wonder

What it would be like to meet

Any of them in person?

If you did then you are lucky

To have actually met and interacted with G.

Without a moment’s hesitation

My friend responded:

Yes I consider myself extremely lucky

To have met him indeed.

G is so easygoing and simple

Makes himself accessible directly and easily

Eats, drinks, and laughs,

Jokes around like a regular buddy

That often times it is very easy

To overlook the good fortune.

When I mentioned this conversation

To G later that night, he said:

“Rather unusual observation!

Even historical characters

Managed to have very few

Diehard friends.”

My response to G was:

“That’s because it is very hard

To know how to deal with someone

Who doesn’t need anything from anyone

And therefore leaving no way to

“Control” that relationship.”

I also added,

“The bigger challenge is

To even recognize that difficulty

Most of the time and effort

Can go in just trying to manipulate and control

To have exclusivity with you.”

Initially a thought used to strike me once in a while

Could I have behaved any differently with G

Perhaps I could have been more mature, wise, and well read,

But being around G is like

Standing in the midst of a screaming, expressway traffic

Not a shred of knowledge or practice comes in handy.

All of the preexisting ideas and knowledge

Is the very thing the body seeks to unload,

In G the system finds a strong ally

To free itself from the shackles and stronghold

Of society, culture and interpersonal relationships

It seeks the simplicity of living simply!


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